We Live in a Land of Takers

Stop digging through someone’s wallet and give without expectation.

Credit: Alamy

Credit: AlamyWe live in a land of takers. People maneuvering into the crawl space that is your inbox and squatting there. People rummaging through your contact list to see if there’s anyone “good to know.” People hocking something because nothing is ever, truly free. If we’re not being sold the product, we are the product. Then there are those always shouting their wants, but rarely offering anything in return.

I’ve written at length about professional etiquette, but there’s always someone trying to fast-track, elbow their way in, and plow to the front of the line. People who don’t want to do the work, cultivate relationships, and give. Maybe it’s the proliferation of articles penned by people who fail to take “no” for an answer or those who believe a casual acquaintance equates to a lifetime of professional servitude, but it amazes me how much people want all the things but are impatient in their pursuit of them.

I am master of the long game — the consummate farmer instead of a hunter. Ages ago, some misguided person stomped their petulant feet in my comments and admonished me for waiting a year until a venture capitalist gave me my first client. They didn’t understand the concept of that which is rewarding and sustainable takes time. And why would they — people become insta-famous overnight simply for turning on their phone and delivering the scatalogical details of their day. Why would they when everyone is impatient, clamoring for the now.

Why would they when they use outsource their critical thinking skills to ChatGPT?

Many still don’t get it. They cleave to the immediate, the insta-fame, and the quick hack, while I care about longevity, sustainability, and significance. I never look for the shakedown. Rather, I view people as human beings where real, meaningful relationships can be born. Bonus points if those relationships bear professional fruit, but that’s never my intention because I know what it feels like to be used, to be regarded as a transaction, a step to someone better, cuter, richer, and more successful.

No one likes to feel taken advantage of, yet people do it every day. We accept it because it’s common.

I prefer a different way of doing business where I give more than I take. Real, altruistic giving doesn’t come with expectations or strings. I don’t expect someone to open up their contacts list or wallet.

One year, I paid to join a private community of entrepreneurs, small business owners, and consultants because I believed if you pay for something, you pay your undivided attention. One of the rules was to give first. For months, I shared my insight, experiences, time, and even wrote about how to use Medium as a means to generate leads for someone’s business. I gave the most valuable gift I could give — my time, which is increasingly limited these days.

I never asked for anything because I didn’t feel ready and it didn’t feel right. I considered people’s time and I was determined not to squander it. So, I was shocked to learn my application for *free* hot seat coaching with the founder of the network had been approved. I squealed and then nearly had a panic attack because people. Lots of them. In one place. Big gulp.

During the coaching session, I posed the question I needed help with — how do I keep my business model simple without adding products, marketing, or other extraneous noise? In under thirty minutes, I learned I had a severe pricing problem and a positioning problem (explicitly tying my work to results so people don’t view brand building for what it isn’t, an expense, instead of what it is — the foundation of your business).

I also got ideas about tiered services that give me the agility to offer to clients if I want to go deeper with them. Here I was trying to add group coaching, courses, and all that jazz to the mix when all I needed to do was to return to basics with someone giving a fresh, unbiased perspective.

After the call, I got a little emotional and I am not prone to tears unless I’m watching a video where a puppy gets a new lease on life. I nearly cried because I was grateful for someone’s time, a person whom I truly admired and respected.

I was grateful for the help and I was delighted when the host invited me as guest to her INSANELY SUCCESSFUL PODCAST. I tried not to scream as getting on her podcast was a vision board moment. And I got it because I showed up as myself and gave, gave, gave. And people can tell when you’re giving only to get something in return.

Transactional giving makes my skin crawl.

Since 2013, I’ve published a few thousand articles on Medium on everything from how to build brands, tell stories, and be a better human — all based on the successes and failures in my own life. No obligation. You never have to buy from me or even clap for any of my pieces. I don’t expect people to comment on these newsletters or become a paid subscriber. I expect nothing from you. So I’m never disappointed.

Every day, I’m learning and I’m passionate about sharing what I know with others.

For example, I’m reading Nilofer Merchant’s The Power of Onlyness, and I absolutely love how she refers to a brand as a “gift” — what you stand for, your vision, the value and experiences you provide. The problem often is people conflate the gift with the packaging. A brand is not a logo, a font, a Facebook post. These are examples of how a brand is expressed and packaged. When I see people railing against the word “brand,” they often have no idea what they’re talking about, which is infuriating. Your brand is the gift. Not how that gift is wrapped.

Imagine our lives if we ceased being curious. Imagine not sharing that wonder with others. Sharing is my way of connection.

You don’t need a listicle or an article telling you how to be a human. Connect with people you want to know as people. Take the time to develop the relationship. Don’t use them directly or as a bridge to someone else. I stopped accepting LinkedIn invites after a Medium writer pitched an editor and used my name as a reference without my permission. Didn’t this person realize the editor was going to ask me about this person and how disgusted I felt that someone friended me on a professional platform to use me.

So, don’t be that person. Give without expectation. Realize people have full lives and you are not their number one priority; attention is earned not given freely.

That’s why my asks are rare, brief, and to the point. And I always give someone an out because no one wants to feel trapped. Because here’s the shocking thing — if you know people as people and they know what’s going on in your life THEY’RE GOING TO OFFER YOU STUFF WITHOUT YOU HAVING TO ASK.

Earth-shattering, I know.

For years, I was snippy. Felt entitled to things. Didn’t understand why people weren’t piling their cash into my lap. That’s no way to live, people. Now, I give when and where I can — not to the people who I feel are using me, but to those who actually make an effort to know me as a fellow human being.

Be decent and you’ll be surprised how much you’ll get in return.